Al-Qassam Brigades Launch Babies into Israel, Claim “Right of Return”

After days of continuous rocket fire into and out of the Gaza Strip, Palestinian military leaders have devised a new offensive strategy, with an eye towards long-term territorial reoccupation. In an effort to repopulate Palestine and in defiance of the long-standing Israeli occupation, residents of both Gaza and the West Bank will gently launch their babies into Israeli settlement towns, actualizing a Palestinian “Right of Return”.

Cute lil' thing, Yazid Sharabi, on his way to Ofakim

Cute lil’ thing, Yazid Sharabi, on his way to Ofakim

“The time has come to end this bloody stalemate and to take more radical steps towards reclaiming our homeland,” said Marwan Issa, practice leader of the al-Qassam Brigades, Hamas’s military wing. “We will no longer throw our children’s lives away in this bloody war. Well…ok…not metaphorically, at least”

“We have no choice but to catapult our offspring into Jewish-occupied Palestine,” claimed Yusuf Haddad, Hamas militant and engineer. “Building a Qassam rocket takes too much time and too many resources. Now all we need to do is diaper up and fire.”

The campaign, known as Operation Rubber Ducky, has rallied Palestinian civilians and militants alike.  “We must take back what is ours,” said Yunis Al Astal, preacher and Hamas member of the Palestinian Legislative Council. “We will put the fear of Allah in our oppressors’ hearts, whether it be by the thundering crash of a Qassam rocket or the adorable squeal of an infant.”

Little Ismail Khalidi tumbling through the air en route to Netivot.

Little Ismail Khalidi tumbling through the air en route to Netivot.

“It is an honor to give my son to the trebuchets,” said Gaza resident and mother of three, Fadiya el-Ghazzawy, turning towards her infant son, Amar. “We need to rattle the Israelis somehow, don’t we? Don’t we? Yes we do! Yes we do! That’s a good boy. Who’s a good boy? You are! You are! Yeeeeessssssssss you are. You! You! Who is? You are! Aren’t you such a good boy? Who’s a hungry boy? You’re a hungry boy! Who’s ready for his dinner? You are! Say ahhhhh! Heeeeeeeeere comes the Katyusha! “

The international community has lent its staunch support to this initiative. Late yesterday, the UN Security Council passed a resolution applauding Palestinian leaders for dropping their weapons and seeking cuter means of achieving political ends. “We would like to recognize the attempts of the Palestinian leadership at being pacifiers in this ongoing conflict,” said Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon. “We only hope that members of the Knesset will drink the same formula.”

But despite international pressure, Israeli leadership shows no signs of relinquishing its long-standing hegemony in the region. Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has refused to recognize the right of Palestinians to toss their toddlers onto the front lawns of Israeli settlement homes. “What we need in this region is to dialogue like adults,” said Netanyahu. “What we have here is children throwing children.”

Netanyahu

Prime Minister Netanyahu, dialoguing like an adult

The growing number of flying babies has caused increasing unrest in Israeli residential areas. The border city of Ashkelon has been hit particularly hard with waves of adorable crying newborns. “I want to run and hide inside a bomb shelter, but I also kind of want to catch a baby,” said Yitzhak Koren, Ashkelon resident and total sucker for tiny baby feet. “But that’s what they want,” interjected Koren’s wife, Orit. “We must not play their games. Unless that game is Chutes and Ladders. I love Chutes and Ladders.”

As the Palestinian youngsters continue to fall from the sky, it appears that tensions in the Middle East will continue to rise – grim prospects for a lasting peace. “This whole operation really stinks,” said Moshe Ya’alon, Israeli Defense Minister. “Seriously, it reeks of doody. What in the world are Palestinians putting in their kids’ kabobs?”

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