White House Releases Statement on Barack vs. Bibi

In a statement released by the White House this morning, it appears that President Barack Obama and Prime Minister Benjamin (Bibi) Netanyahu are officially in a fight.

“Prime Minister Netanyahu has amply demonstrated that he is not interested in being friends with the President,” read the statement. “Until further notice, the President and Prime Minister are not talking, and he can look for allies elsewhere. I’m sure he’ll find some in Congress.”

In a follow up statement before the press, spokesperson Jen Psaki of the State Department clarified the release. “Barack is not happy with the mean things Bibi has done recently. His feelings are hurt, and he wants an apology.”

The statement has taken Israeli government officials by surprise, and some view the press release as an unwarranted escalation of an already tense situation. “It is safe to say that if Barack does not take it back, we are prepared to view this as a clear act of passive aggression,” remarked Mark Regev, chief Spokesman for and second best friend of the Prime Minister. “We will have no choice but to give Barack the unmitigated silent treatment.”

President Obama holding  back tears as he stares suspiciously at his "friend"

President Obama holding back tears as he stares suspiciously at his “friend”

It looks like the bad blood between the parties had been boiling over for quite some time. Rumor has it that it all began when Barack heard from Michelle who heard from Joe (Biden) who heard from John (Kerry) who heard from Chuck (Hagel) that Israeli Defense Minister Moshe Ya’alon called Secretary Kerry names. Ya’alon was quoted as saying that Kerry was “messianic”, “obsessive”, “old”, and “shoe-faced” and that Heinz Ketchup was “overrated, anyway.” Joe and John then broke their promise to meet with Moshe when he came to visit, standing him up – in the rain – at the Department of State building. Later that year, a senior Obama official supposedly intensified the situation by calling Bibi a “chickenshit” and saying that Bibi has “awkwardly small woman hands”.

In a strategic and transparent tit-for-tat measure, Bibi threw a party in Congress earlier this month and didn’t invite the president. “If you-know-who wants to play games, that’s fine,” said a teary-eyed Barack at the time. “But if he has something to say, he can say it to my face. He doesn’t need to steal my friends and my pulpit.”

Bibi and Barack giving each other stink-eye at their latest in-person meeting.

Bibi and Barack giving each other stink-eye at their latest in-person meeting

“Whatever,” retorted Bibi soon thereafter. Rumor has it that Bibi even threw some shade at Barack at the Congress party, calling his negotiating skills “weaker than Drake’s latest album” and muttering “typical Hussein” when pressed for his opinion on US-Iran relations.

But the bubbling tension hadn’t reached “fight” status until the aftermath of the recent Israeli elections. Apparently, Barack didn’t call Bibi to congratulate him on his electoral victory. “Uch, what kind of friend doesn’t call when you win a crucial election?” complained Bibi.

Upon finally calling him, in true frienemy fashion, Barack proceeded to congratulate Bibi and then rebuke him for his “divisive” and “cynical” comments made about Arab voters on election day. “The Arabs are my friends,” said Barack. “And I don’t like it when my supposed friends are mean to my other friends. It’s not nice.” Bibi had a different perspective, “It’s like saying ‘I’m sorry BUT’. You don’t call to congratulate a friend and then say BUT.”

"Whatever," thinks Bibi as  he addresses an indifferent Barack

“Whatever,” thinks Bibi as he addresses an indifferent Barack

The future of US-Israel diplomatic relations are uncertain right now, but it’s safe to say that things haven’t been this chilly since Katy Perry called Taylor Swift a “Regina George in sheep’s clothing.”