The Top 5 “Match Day” Facebook Posts

Sometimes Jeff gets lazy and writes listicles. 

This past Friday, aspiring clinicians waited with bated breath for that fateful notice of acceptance into a residency program. As the letters arrived, thousands of medical hopefuls expressed their glee, gratitude, and apprehension over social media, flooding the news feeds of friends, family, and loyal followers. Here are the top 5 “Match Day!” Facebook posts:

1. The Prideful Pediatrician
“It is with great honor and prestige that I would like to announce my admittance into the Perelman School of Medicine at the University of Pennsylvania! I couldn’t have done it without the love and support of my teachers and advisers, who encouraged me to work hard every day and reach my academic potential. The Perelman School is #1 on the US News and World Report’s list of pediatrics residencies, and I’m sure I’ve made (and will continue to make) my family and friends proud. Can’t wait to get through my residency and on to the next chapter of my life…you know we pediatricians have little patients hahahaha!”

 

2. The NSFW Specialty
“My childhood dream of being a urologist has finally come true! It has been a long and hard journey, but today I became a member of the Robert Wood Johnson urology program. I hope this ejaculation of pleasure and thanks isn’t premature – I still need to fill out the paperwork – but I can safely say that this is the climax of my professional career! Thanks so much to my parents, friends, and everybody else who blew me in the right direction over the years. I owe this stroke of luck to you.”

 

 

3. The Disappointed Overachiever
“A little disappointed that I didn’t get my first choice (U of Texas), but I’m content to announce that I’ll be a plastic surgery resident at Harvard Medical School next year :(. I’ve never been rejected from anything in my life so it hurts a little, but I realize that Harvard is a decent program and that I still might learn something over the next few years. To all my fellow applicants who got accepted into U of Texas, congratulations. I’m really, really happy for you, and even though I didn’t get in I bear you no grudges. May the best abdominoplasty win!”

 

4. The Glowing Spouse
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so happy to announce that my AMAZING, TALENTED, CHARMING, PERFECT, WHITE, 6”1’, 180LBS, COULD HIT THE GYM MORE OFTEN BUT PLEASES ME PHYSICALLY, DOES THE DISHES CONSISTENTLY, GIVES ME NECK MASSAGES WHEN I CRY DURING THE BACHELOR, CAPTAIN OF HIS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL TEAM, 37 HANDICAP, BRILLIANT, HARD WORKING, MAKES SPAGHETTI A LA CARBONARA SOMETIMES FOR DINNER, CRACKS UP WHEN I SAY THE WORD “FORK’, SS#: 257-61-0095, HAS NEVER CHEATED ON ME AND IF HE DID I WOULDN’T CARE BECAUSE HE’S MY husband who got into Memorial Sloan Kettering for Oncology!”

5. The Reject
“Taking a Facebook hiatus for a few months. See you next March :(.”

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Social Justice Activist Writes Facebook Post, Brings Israeli-Palestinian Conflict to an End

At 10:46 EST on July 10th, 2014, Israeli and Palestinian leadership stood side by side at the site of a dilapidated home in Gaza and jointly announced a resolution to the decades-long Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

Both sides laid down their arms just hours before in response to activist David Greenberg’s impassioned cry for peace on Facebook. The post read “Praying for peace for all Palestinians. Praying for peace for all Israelis. No more killing. No more death.”

“This is a momentous day in the history of the Middle-East,” said Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas before an excitable cadre of media, politicos, and civilians, “and another notch in the belt of Jew Mark Zuckerberg.”

A conciliatory Prime Minister Netanyahu agreed. “Our children have bled for too long. Palestinian children have bled for too long. It is time to bring a collective peace to this region and to follow President Abbas on Twitter.”

Netanyahu and Abbas mugging for a photo. It would later wind up on Instagram.

Both leaders credited Greenberg’s bravery and utter selflessness for the armistice. “It is no easy task to fight for peace,” noted Abbas. “It is harder yet to type your feelings out on a keyboard from the privacy of your American home and then press enter. The adversity in the comments section can be unbearable. The embarrassment of an unliked post can be devastating. We applaud David for his resolve. We should all learn from his example and disseminate our prayers over social media. The Quran teaches us that God is an avid and relentless Facebook stalker.”

Defense Minister Moshe Ya’alon discovered the titular post while checking his mobile news feed from the crapper and made the call to the Prime Minister almost immediately. “I knew when I read it that it was time. That everything had changed. How could we drop bombs on Gaza when David was praying for peace on social media? It no longer made any sense.”

As Israeli and Palestinian leadership made amends, the battle in and around Gaza raged on. It wasn’t until Hamas militant and merciless troll Naseer al-Faruqi received an MMS from his teenage son that he spread the message of peace throughout the warzone. “I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw that text,” sniggered al-Faruqi. “I immediately went to the Darfur subreddit and wrote Y U NO HAV PEECE?”

Al-Faruqi trolling so hard.

The surprise end to the prolonged conflict came during an intensifying campaign known as Operation Protective Edge, a retaliatory operation by Israeli forces in response to the escalation of rocket attacks on Israel by Hamas. “The only bombs we’ll be making from now on are photo bombs,” quipped Marwan Issa, practice leader of the Al-Qassam Brigades, as he stole a mischievous look at Netanyahu and Abbas, mid-selfie. “I’ll get them later,” he whispered. “Allahu Akbar.”

Shortly after the peace deal was reached, hundreds of elated Palestinian children could be seen parading through the streets with Sodastreams and USB drives, a celebration of newfound solidarity and collective achievement. Quizzical Israeli children held algebra textbooks. Both parties exclaimed their love of Candy Crush and Words with Friends. Challenges were made and leaderboards filled up with Mohammeds and Mordechais featured side by side.

A failure of peace at a time of technological infancy.

Spokesperson Mark Regev addressed the peace deal in its historical context. “It’s no wonder the Oslo Accords were a failure. We barely had the Pentium Processor. And at Camp David we were still using AOL Instant Messenger. Thank God Facebook came along or we might still be embroiled in this mess.”

As both sides addressed the throngs of media, glaringly absent was the real hero – the social media martyr who catalyzed the event. He was unavailable for comment in person or over the phone, but he sent a message of hope via Facebook: “I just want to quote my personal hero Martin Luther King who once said, ‘It’s not guns that will bring peace. It’s not arms that will bind us together. It’s the voice of ppl with Macbook Airs. It’s the will of lovers with a deep social media footprint. It’s the likes and shares of a population that will bring us serenity #preach #MLKhavemybaybay.’”

 

Winch