Unborn Babies March on Washington to Protest Government Inaction on Abortion

Hundreds of thousands of gestating human babies descended on Washington, D.C. this morning in a March for our Birth event, delivering a resounding message that Washington’s inaction on abortion is a gross miscarriage of justice.

Building on the momentum of January’s Rally for Life, these members of a generation raised with rampant non-consensual termination have mobilized Americans with impassioned pleas for stricter abortion laws while honoring the 650,000 babies killed in 2014 by doctors and clinics everywhere.

“You can abort a mission, and you can abort a rocket launch, but you can’t abort a baby,” said future poet laureate Alice Jones, only three embryonic weeks old. “That’s why we came here today. To make our voices heard.”

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Future poet laureate Alice Jones

“To the leaders, skeptics and cynics who told us to shut up and gestate, welcome to the revolution,” announced Andrew or Andrea Wilson, depending on if it’s a boy or a girl. “This is no time to get complacenta.”

Happy little accident Monique Weatherspoon, a seven-week-old embryo from Michigan, declared that she felt unsafe in the womb, and thought more security would help. “The uterus should absolutely be a safe space. A safe, gooey, amniotic space.”

The hoards marched up and down the National Mall carrying signs with messages from the mad to the macabre. “Planned Parenthood is a terrorist organization,” read one sensationalist sign. “Vacuums are for carpets,” stated another. Some signs displayed messages of hope and unity. One set of third-trimester twins carried a sign with the message, “Hope springs eternal, for our bond is fraternal.”

One popular prop held by many at the rally was a coat hanger bent into the shape of a heart. “We stand for love, not hate,” proclaimed one newly fertilized zygote. “If you support abortion, you are definitely pro-hate. You also probably don’t like puppies.”

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Viable fetus Raul Sanchez

Though the protesters were united in calling for reform, there was some disagreement when it came to particular policies. Some demonstrators called for sensible abortion reform while others called for an outright ban. “We understand that doctors have the right to bear medical tools, but do they really need assault forceps?” asked viable fetus Raul Sanchez. Late-third-trimester representative James McDonald sang a more radical tune. “For all those mothers who are too afraid to carry us to term, be warned. We are at your cervix.”

Many notable celebrities performed on the Ultrasound Stage in front of the Capitol building to show their support. The remaining members of Nirvana played select tracks from their third and final studio album, and Ben Folds mournfully sang his hit 1997 song “Brick”. “It was touching to hear so many beautiful songs in support of life,” said one tearful baby. “It definitely struck an umbilical chord.”

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