Al-Qassam Brigades Launch Babies into Israel, Claim “Right of Return”

After days of continuous rocket fire into and out of the Gaza Strip, Palestinian military leaders have devised a new offensive strategy, with an eye towards long-term territorial reoccupation. In an effort to repopulate Palestine and in defiance of the long-standing Israeli occupation, residents of both Gaza and the West Bank will gently launch their babies into Israeli settlement towns, actualizing a Palestinian “Right of Return”.

Cute lil' thing, Yazid Sharabi, on his way to Ofakim

Cute lil’ thing, Yazid Sharabi, on his way to Ofakim

“The time has come to end this bloody stalemate and to take more radical steps towards reclaiming our homeland,” said Marwan Issa, practice leader of the al-Qassam Brigades, Hamas’s military wing. “We will no longer throw our children’s lives away in this bloody war. Well…ok…not metaphorically, at least”

“We have no choice but to catapult our offspring into Jewish-occupied Palestine,” claimed Yusuf Haddad, Hamas militant and engineer. “Building a Qassam rocket takes too much time and too many resources. Now all we need to do is diaper up and fire.”

The campaign, known as Operation Rubber Ducky, has rallied Palestinian civilians and militants alike.  “We must take back what is ours,” said Yunis Al Astal, preacher and Hamas member of the Palestinian Legislative Council. “We will put the fear of Allah in our oppressors’ hearts, whether it be by the thundering crash of a Qassam rocket or the adorable squeal of an infant.”

Little Ismail Khalidi tumbling through the air en route to Netivot.

Little Ismail Khalidi tumbling through the air en route to Netivot.

“It is an honor to give my son to the trebuchets,” said Gaza resident and mother of three, Fadiya el-Ghazzawy, turning towards her infant son, Amar. “We need to rattle the Israelis somehow, don’t we? Don’t we? Yes we do! Yes we do! That’s a good boy. Who’s a good boy? You are! You are! Yeeeeessssssssss you are. You! You! Who is? You are! Aren’t you such a good boy? Who’s a hungry boy? You’re a hungry boy! Who’s ready for his dinner? You are! Say ahhhhh! Heeeeeeeeere comes the Katyusha! “

The international community has lent its staunch support to this initiative. Late yesterday, the UN Security Council passed a resolution applauding Palestinian leaders for dropping their weapons and seeking cuter means of achieving political ends. “We would like to recognize the attempts of the Palestinian leadership at being pacifiers in this ongoing conflict,” said Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon. “We only hope that members of the Knesset will drink the same formula.”

But despite international pressure, Israeli leadership shows no signs of relinquishing its long-standing hegemony in the region. Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has refused to recognize the right of Palestinians to toss their toddlers onto the front lawns of Israeli settlement homes. “What we need in this region is to dialogue like adults,” said Netanyahu. “What we have here is children throwing children.”

Netanyahu

Prime Minister Netanyahu, dialoguing like an adult

The growing number of flying babies has caused increasing unrest in Israeli residential areas. The border city of Ashkelon has been hit particularly hard with waves of adorable crying newborns. “I want to run and hide inside a bomb shelter, but I also kind of want to catch a baby,” said Yitzhak Koren, Ashkelon resident and total sucker for tiny baby feet. “But that’s what they want,” interjected Koren’s wife, Orit. “We must not play their games. Unless that game is Chutes and Ladders. I love Chutes and Ladders.”

As the Palestinian youngsters continue to fall from the sky, it appears that tensions in the Middle East will continue to rise – grim prospects for a lasting peace. “This whole operation really stinks,” said Moshe Ya’alon, Israeli Defense Minister. “Seriously, it reeks of doody. What in the world are Palestinians putting in their kids’ kabobs?”

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Social Justice Activist Writes Facebook Post, Brings Israeli-Palestinian Conflict to an End

At 10:46 EST on July 10th, 2014, Israeli and Palestinian leadership stood side by side at the site of a dilapidated home in Gaza and jointly announced a resolution to the decades-long Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

Both sides laid down their arms just hours before in response to activist David Greenberg’s impassioned cry for peace on Facebook. The post read “Praying for peace for all Palestinians. Praying for peace for all Israelis. No more killing. No more death.”

“This is a momentous day in the history of the Middle-East,” said Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas before an excitable cadre of media, politicos, and civilians, “and another notch in the belt of Jew Mark Zuckerberg.”

A conciliatory Prime Minister Netanyahu agreed. “Our children have bled for too long. Palestinian children have bled for too long. It is time to bring a collective peace to this region and to follow President Abbas on Twitter.”

Netanyahu and Abbas mugging for a photo. It would later wind up on Instagram.

Both leaders credited Greenberg’s bravery and utter selflessness for the armistice. “It is no easy task to fight for peace,” noted Abbas. “It is harder yet to type your feelings out on a keyboard from the privacy of your American home and then press enter. The adversity in the comments section can be unbearable. The embarrassment of an unliked post can be devastating. We applaud David for his resolve. We should all learn from his example and disseminate our prayers over social media. The Quran teaches us that God is an avid and relentless Facebook stalker.”

Defense Minister Moshe Ya’alon discovered the titular post while checking his mobile news feed from the crapper and made the call to the Prime Minister almost immediately. “I knew when I read it that it was time. That everything had changed. How could we drop bombs on Gaza when David was praying for peace on social media? It no longer made any sense.”

As Israeli and Palestinian leadership made amends, the battle in and around Gaza raged on. It wasn’t until Hamas militant and merciless troll Naseer al-Faruqi received an MMS from his teenage son that he spread the message of peace throughout the warzone. “I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw that text,” sniggered al-Faruqi. “I immediately went to the Darfur subreddit and wrote Y U NO HAV PEECE?”

Al-Faruqi trolling so hard.

The surprise end to the prolonged conflict came during an intensifying campaign known as Operation Protective Edge, a retaliatory operation by Israeli forces in response to the escalation of rocket attacks on Israel by Hamas. “The only bombs we’ll be making from now on are photo bombs,” quipped Marwan Issa, practice leader of the Al-Qassam Brigades, as he stole a mischievous look at Netanyahu and Abbas, mid-selfie. “I’ll get them later,” he whispered. “Allahu Akbar.”

Shortly after the peace deal was reached, hundreds of elated Palestinian children could be seen parading through the streets with Sodastreams and USB drives, a celebration of newfound solidarity and collective achievement. Quizzical Israeli children held algebra textbooks. Both parties exclaimed their love of Candy Crush and Words with Friends. Challenges were made and leaderboards filled up with Mohammeds and Mordechais featured side by side.

A failure of peace at a time of technological infancy.

Spokesperson Mark Regev addressed the peace deal in its historical context. “It’s no wonder the Oslo Accords were a failure. We barely had the Pentium Processor. And at Camp David we were still using AOL Instant Messenger. Thank God Facebook came along or we might still be embroiled in this mess.”

As both sides addressed the throngs of media, glaringly absent was the real hero – the social media martyr who catalyzed the event. He was unavailable for comment in person or over the phone, but he sent a message of hope via Facebook: “I just want to quote my personal hero Martin Luther King who once said, ‘It’s not guns that will bring peace. It’s not arms that will bind us together. It’s the voice of ppl with Macbook Airs. It’s the will of lovers with a deep social media footprint. It’s the likes and shares of a population that will bring us serenity #preach #MLKhavemybaybay.’”

 

Winch