Unborn Babies March on Washington to Protest Government Inaction on Abortion

Hundreds of thousands of gestating human babies descended on Washington, D.C. this morning in a March for our Birth event, delivering a resounding message that Washington’s inaction on abortion is a gross miscarriage of justice.

Building on the momentum of January’s Rally for Life, these members of a generation raised with rampant non-consensual termination have mobilized Americans with impassioned pleas for stricter abortion laws while honoring the 650,000 babies killed in 2014 by doctors and clinics everywhere.

“You can abort a mission, and you can abort a rocket launch, but you can’t abort a baby,” said future poet laureate Alice Jones, only three embryonic weeks old. “That’s why we came here today. To make our voices heard.”

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Future poet laureate Alice Jones

“To the leaders, skeptics and cynics who told us to shut up and gestate, welcome to the revolution,” announced Andrew or Andrea Wilson, depending on if it’s a boy or a girl. “This is no time to get complacenta.”

Happy little accident Monique Weatherspoon, a seven-week-old embryo from Michigan, declared that she felt unsafe in the womb, and thought more security would help. “The uterus should absolutely be a safe space. A safe, gooey, amniotic space.”

The hoards marched up and down the National Mall carrying signs with messages from the mad to the macabre. “Planned Parenthood is a terrorist organization,” read one sensationalist sign. “Vacuums are for carpets,” stated another. Some signs displayed messages of hope and unity. One set of third-trimester twins carried a sign with the message, “Hope springs eternal, for our bond is fraternal.”

One popular prop held by many at the rally was a coat hanger bent into the shape of a heart. “We stand for love, not hate,” proclaimed one newly fertilized zygote. “If you support abortion, you are definitely pro-hate. You also probably don’t like puppies.”

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Viable fetus Raul Sanchez

Though the protesters were united in calling for reform, there was some disagreement when it came to particular policies. Some demonstrators called for sensible abortion reform while others called for an outright ban. “We understand that doctors have the right to bear medical tools, but do they really need assault forceps?” asked viable fetus Raul Sanchez. Late-third-trimester representative James McDonald sang a more radical tune. “For all those mothers who are too afraid to carry us to term, be warned. We are at your cervix.”

Many notable celebrities performed on the Ultrasound Stage in front of the Capitol building to show their support. The remaining members of Nirvana played select tracks from their third and final studio album, and Ben Folds mournfully sang his hit 1997 song “Brick”. “It was touching to hear so many beautiful songs in support of life,” said one tearful baby. “It definitely struck an umbilical chord.”

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The Top 5 “Match Day” Facebook Posts

Sometimes Jeff gets lazy and writes listicles. 

This past Friday, aspiring clinicians waited with bated breath for that fateful notice of acceptance into a residency program. As the letters arrived, thousands of medical hopefuls expressed their glee, gratitude, and apprehension over social media, flooding the news feeds of friends, family, and loyal followers. Here are the top 5 “Match Day!” Facebook posts:

1. The Prideful Pediatrician
“It is with great honor and prestige that I would like to announce my admittance into the Perelman School of Medicine at the University of Pennsylvania! I couldn’t have done it without the love and support of my teachers and advisers, who encouraged me to work hard every day and reach my academic potential. The Perelman School is #1 on the US News and World Report’s list of pediatrics residencies, and I’m sure I’ve made (and will continue to make) my family and friends proud. Can’t wait to get through my residency and on to the next chapter of my life…you know we pediatricians have little patients hahahaha!”

 

2. The NSFW Specialty
“My childhood dream of being a urologist has finally come true! It has been a long and hard journey, but today I became a member of the Robert Wood Johnson urology program. I hope this ejaculation of pleasure and thanks isn’t premature – I still need to fill out the paperwork – but I can safely say that this is the climax of my professional career! Thanks so much to my parents, friends, and everybody else who blew me in the right direction over the years. I owe this stroke of luck to you.”

 

 

3. The Disappointed Overachiever
“A little disappointed that I didn’t get my first choice (U of Texas), but I’m content to announce that I’ll be a plastic surgery resident at Harvard Medical School next year :(. I’ve never been rejected from anything in my life so it hurts a little, but I realize that Harvard is a decent program and that I still might learn something over the next few years. To all my fellow applicants who got accepted into U of Texas, congratulations. I’m really, really happy for you, and even though I didn’t get in I bear you no grudges. May the best abdominoplasty win!”

 

4. The Glowing Spouse
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so happy to announce that my AMAZING, TALENTED, CHARMING, PERFECT, WHITE, 6”1’, 180LBS, COULD HIT THE GYM MORE OFTEN BUT PLEASES ME PHYSICALLY, DOES THE DISHES CONSISTENTLY, GIVES ME NECK MASSAGES WHEN I CRY DURING THE BACHELOR, CAPTAIN OF HIS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL TEAM, 37 HANDICAP, BRILLIANT, HARD WORKING, MAKES SPAGHETTI A LA CARBONARA SOMETIMES FOR DINNER, CRACKS UP WHEN I SAY THE WORD “FORK’, SS#: 257-61-0095, HAS NEVER CHEATED ON ME AND IF HE DID I WOULDN’T CARE BECAUSE HE’S MY husband who got into Memorial Sloan Kettering for Oncology!”

5. The Reject
“Taking a Facebook hiatus for a few months. See you next March :(.”

White House Releases Statement on Barack vs. Bibi

In a statement released by the White House this morning, it appears that President Barack Obama and Prime Minister Benjamin (Bibi) Netanyahu are officially in a fight.

“Prime Minister Netanyahu has amply demonstrated that he is not interested in being friends with the President,” read the statement. “Until further notice, the President and Prime Minister are not talking, and he can look for allies elsewhere. I’m sure he’ll find some in Congress.”

In a follow up statement before the press, spokesperson Jen Psaki of the State Department clarified the release. “Barack is not happy with the mean things Bibi has done recently. His feelings are hurt, and he wants an apology.”

The statement has taken Israeli government officials by surprise, and some view the press release as an unwarranted escalation of an already tense situation. “It is safe to say that if Barack does not take it back, we are prepared to view this as a clear act of passive aggression,” remarked Mark Regev, chief Spokesman for and second best friend of the Prime Minister. “We will have no choice but to give Barack the unmitigated silent treatment.”

President Obama holding  back tears as he stares suspiciously at his "friend"

President Obama holding back tears as he stares suspiciously at his “friend”

It looks like the bad blood between the parties had been boiling over for quite some time. Rumor has it that it all began when Barack heard from Michelle who heard from Joe (Biden) who heard from John (Kerry) who heard from Chuck (Hagel) that Israeli Defense Minister Moshe Ya’alon called Secretary Kerry names. Ya’alon was quoted as saying that Kerry was “messianic”, “obsessive”, “old”, and “shoe-faced” and that Heinz Ketchup was “overrated, anyway.” Joe and John then broke their promise to meet with Moshe when he came to visit, standing him up – in the rain – at the Department of State building. Later that year, a senior Obama official supposedly intensified the situation by calling Bibi a “chickenshit” and saying that Bibi has “awkwardly small woman hands”.

In a strategic and transparent tit-for-tat measure, Bibi threw a party in Congress earlier this month and didn’t invite the president. “If you-know-who wants to play games, that’s fine,” said a teary-eyed Barack at the time. “But if he has something to say, he can say it to my face. He doesn’t need to steal my friends and my pulpit.”

Bibi and Barack giving each other stink-eye at their latest in-person meeting.

Bibi and Barack giving each other stink-eye at their latest in-person meeting

“Whatever,” retorted Bibi soon thereafter. Rumor has it that Bibi even threw some shade at Barack at the Congress party, calling his negotiating skills “weaker than Drake’s latest album” and muttering “typical Hussein” when pressed for his opinion on US-Iran relations.

But the bubbling tension hadn’t reached “fight” status until the aftermath of the recent Israeli elections. Apparently, Barack didn’t call Bibi to congratulate him on his electoral victory. “Uch, what kind of friend doesn’t call when you win a crucial election?” complained Bibi.

Upon finally calling him, in true frienemy fashion, Barack proceeded to congratulate Bibi and then rebuke him for his “divisive” and “cynical” comments made about Arab voters on election day. “The Arabs are my friends,” said Barack. “And I don’t like it when my supposed friends are mean to my other friends. It’s not nice.” Bibi had a different perspective, “It’s like saying ‘I’m sorry BUT’. You don’t call to congratulate a friend and then say BUT.”

"Whatever," thinks Bibi as  he addresses an indifferent Barack

“Whatever,” thinks Bibi as he addresses an indifferent Barack

The future of US-Israel diplomatic relations are uncertain right now, but it’s safe to say that things haven’t been this chilly since Katy Perry called Taylor Swift a “Regina George in sheep’s clothing.”

Third-world Adventures in Costa Rica

Jeff loves writing about things that are different than him 

I landed in San Jose, Costa Rica yesterday and was fascinated to learn that Costa Rica is home to cities called “San Jose”, “San Francisco”, and “San Diego”. Did the person who built Costa Rica just survey a map of California and think “these sound Spanish enough. Let’s go with that?” Quite possibly.

Everything is different in Costa Rica, so exotic, so third-world. It’s like a time warp has sucked me back to the 1800’s to give me a lesson in industrial development. Free-spirited children play football in the streets, their bare feet mixing an uncontrived palette of mud and rust. How lucky we are in America to live in a country free of mud and rust! Poor Spanish immigrants (are Spanish-speaking people ever indigenous?) holler at us from their storefronts, soliciting our business for a fresh plantain, mango, or t-shirt with a monkey on it. They can smell the American money tucked away in the deep recesses of our fanny packs, I just know it.

The national motto of Costa Rica is “Pura Vida” or “pure life”, which can serve in place of “hello”, “good bye”, or “peace”, just like “Shalom!” does in the other language I know. Spanish and Hebrew are so similar. It really is a beautiful phrase, so optimistic and Zen. It goes to show that Ticos (not a slur) are a happy people, free of the burdens of Western materialism and cynicism.

It rains a lot in Costa Rica, which is typical in a rainforest climate, I suppose. It’s amazing how the locals have become so used to it that they don’t even use umbrellas or ponchos. Not a pair of galoshes in sight! I guess when you grow up with 200 days of rain a year, you just become immune to it.

I did a lot of adventuring today – zip-lining, canyoneering, and rappelling through the rain forest. My guides, Sergio and Julio, traversed the treacherous terrain without so much as a burden or bruise. They navigated the swinging vines and slippery rocks, the waterfalls and narrow gorges, with Tarzanian elegance. I had the grace of George of the Jungle. I wonder if local Costa Ricans also go rappelling recreationally or only as a mode of travel. Does everyone own a harness and cables the way I own a Metro card?

My hotel [really, a cluster of villas (pueblos?)] is situated in the middle of a lush, verdant rain forest in La Fortuna, a sleepy little tourist town surrounding the 4-years-dormant volcano Arenal. Amenities include continental breakfast, static-y TV, a pool, and all-natural hot springs (owing itself to the volcano). Vegetation and wildlife abound on the premises. Wild white-faced monkeys play on their coconut jungle gyms and toucans take post-breakfast respites on the bare branches of milk trees. I peel the sweaty t-shirt off my moulting body and chance a dip in the molten springs.

Today is a beach day in Costa Rica, my chance to vegetate on the black sands of playa Manuel Antonio and ride the calm waves of the salty Pacific. I unfurl my first-world towel and rest it atop the third-world sand, feeling slightly ashamed of polluting the unsullied coastline with my pasty form and my privileged linens. Inevitable comparisons with the shores of New Jersey spring to mind. Where are the throngs of overweight men and the contrasting smells of saltwater and hot dogs? Where is the backdrop of wood and kitsch and the din of shrill Italian mothers? Serenity and taste are local commodities of which I eagerly partake with my new-world appetite. A local beach-goer does a somersault on the summer salt, a vendor peddles his fruity wares, and I gaze from a distance, admiring the unfailing joie de vivre (or should I say pura vida) of the native poor.

As I drive to San Jose in my rickety Chevrolet to catch my 1 pm flight home, I stare out the window at the rolling hills and the cotton forests, at the oily children and the road-side workers. “This is paradise”, I think to myself. I meditate on that deep thought as I commend myself for braving vacation among the noble savages and unpredictable jungles of the rich coast.

Kanye West Chimes in on Paper Spread, Admits to Being “More of a Boob Guy”

Amid the hysteria surrounding the recent 360° tour of Kim Kardashian’s body, one voice has remained conspicuously silent: husband Kanye West’s. But early Friday morning, Kanye joined the chorus of disapproval via Twitter, admitting that he wasn’t such a huge fan of his wife’s huge fanny.

“Don’t know what all the fuss is about. I like a big butt, but more of a boob guy. #twinpeaks #nottwincheeks”

The tweet comes as somewhat of a surprise, as many fans and critics of the power couple suspected that it was Kim’s monster tush that ht_paper_kim_k_undressed_FLOAT_kb_141112_16x9_992had, in fact, initially won Kanye’s affections. Kanye rejected that notion in an email to TMZ this afternoon: “No, man. It was never about Kim’s butt. It was her inner beauty…and her boobs. I don’t want people to think that I’m all about Kim for her butt. To be honest, I don’t even find it that sexy.”

He followed up with a scathing critique of the Paper backlash. “All you cultural critics and internet critics that come out of the woodwork when someone decides to show true beauty, y’all don’t know what true beauty is. I know what true beauty is. I’m Kanye West,” said Kanye West. “I wish people would stop being so shallow and realize that what’s truly beautiful about Kim is her strong personality and her chest.”

Israeli Chief Rabbinate Issues Ruling on Breast Cancer Awareness Month

After weeks of intense debate concerning the rising tide of breast cancer awareness, the Chief Rabbinate of Israel issued a statement yesterday condemning the month and all dedicated funding for the cause.

“It is the opinion of the Rabbinate that the worldwide focus on breasts is a contaminating influence not only on Jews and those who seek a spiritual lifestyle, but also on children,” said Ziv Maor, Spokesman of the Chief Rabbinate. “The breast is an erva (English: nakedness). It belongs in the home, not on a cereal box.”

Breast Cancer Awareness month is organized annually during the month of October by a combination of cancer-focused charities and major corporations to raise funds for breast cancer research and to encourage mammography. The movement also offers support to victims of breast cancer and their kin.

The pink ribbon symbolizing  B****t Cancer Awareness Month

The pink ribbon symbolizing B****t Cancer Awareness Month

“We fully appreciate the plight of any victims, and we offer our deepest sympathy to them,” claimed Maor. “The Rabbinate has encouraged kehilot (English: congregations) to add a mi shebeirach, a special prayer, for them during services. But with an increasing awareness of breast cancer comes an increasing awareness of breasts. And this we cannot abide.”

The decision has provoked outrage from Jewish communities around the world who look toward the Chief Rabbinate of Israel as a leading, if not supreme, authority, on matters of Jewish law and culture. “This decision is nothing if not closed-minded and insensitive,” proclaimed Rabbi Mark Ruskin, rabbi of Congregation Ohev Shadayim in Twin Peaks, MO. “We all have breasts, even the rabbis. Breasts and penises and vaginas and breasts, and we shouldn’t be ashamed of it.”

As part of the ruling, all charitable funding dedicated towards breast cancer awareness may no longer be counted as tzeddakah or meritorious giving according to Jewish legal and ethical standards.

A confiscated light fixture.

A confiscated light fixture.

All mastectomies performed in October are null and void. And in a display of rabbinic might and conservatism, all activities deemed to be in support of Breast Cancer Awareness Month are subject to review and potential censure by the national religious court of law. These activities include: wearing pink, watching Thursday night football, being born in the month of July, eating dark meat, swimming on your chest whilst keeping your torso straight, discussing Iraq, installing noisemaking devices on your front door, milking a cow, experiencing an economic downturn, inflating decorative latex bags at parties, consuming any fruit in the cantaloupe family, chewing hard flavorless gum, eating coconut-flavored Hershey’s products, and keeping people in the loop.

“I am very, very upset by this news,” said Karin Gold, Israeli breast cancer survivor and proud mother of twins. “It’s time to give the Israeli Rabbinate a serious role reduction and to enlarge the authority of local clergymen.”

BREAKING: New Kosher D.C. Restaurant to Partner with McFadden’s Restaurant and Saloon

Washington D.C.’s newest Kosher restaurant, Char Bar and Eli’s Marketplace (formerly Eli’s Restaurant), has agreed to form a strategic partnership with McFadden’s Restaurant and Saloon, the popular Irish party pub located in D.C.’s West End. Char Bar will operate out of the pub’s kitchen on weekends, serving up its eclectic mix of BBQ and Kosher Deli to the hungry mobs. On weeknights, McFadden’s will lend its DJ, bartenders, and “wait staff” to the restaurant, bringing a youthful vibe to the classy eatery. The agreement was finalized Friday morning by Jewish restaurateur, Sina Soumekhian, and whoever the hell owns McFadden’s, probably an Irish pedophile.

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Rabbi enjoying a “Sloppy Joel”

“This is a great day not only for Char Bar, but also for the D.C. Jewish Community,” said Soumekhian. “In the spirit of inclusion and outreach, we want to bring our delicious Kosher fare to the greater D.C. population. In the spirit of business growth, we want to leverage the unbelievable success of McFadden’s. And in the spirit of fun, we want our customers to grind with tanked, underage GW students.”

The partnership brings together two distinguished and longstanding D.C. establishments, each boasting a loyal and starkly homogeneous clientele. A new symbiosis will hopefully diversify each institution’s respective consumer base and garner new customer interest as well. “We really want more Kosher people at Faded Fridays and Super Sloshed Saturdays,” said McFadden’s event coordinator known only as “Ashley.” “We need some more brunettes in the crowd. The strawberry blonde can be blinding sometimes lol.” Soumekhian echoed that sentiment. “I want Char Bar to be a multicultural experience. I want it to be a place where Jews and Irish Catholics alike can enjoy a piece of schnitzel and the thumping beats of Trey Songz.”

Kosher club

Char Bar’s new slogan: “The Best Kosher Pickle in DC!”

The move has the overwhelming support of the D.C. Jewish community, with leaders and congregants of mainstay Jewish institutions offering their resolute seals of approval. “This is great news,” beamed Jacob Lisser, congregant at Georgetown’s Kesher Israel synagogue. “Where else can you enjoy a ‘Freundel’ while pinning a blackout 19-year-old against the wall?”

Inspired by the revelrous spirit of McFadden’s, Char Bar will release a menu of rager-themed appetizers and entrees. The “DTF (Down to Fleisch)” will feature a plate of young, lean meat just waiting, as the menu describes, “to get swallowed.” The “Sloppy Joel” promises to be a delicious BBQ option, a seasoned loose ground beef patty sandwiched between two pieces of lightly tanned white bread. And no matter how well done you order your steak, the “Convincing Fake” will always arrive severely undercooked. Char Bar will also offer a sizable takeout and catering menu, known playfully as the “Meat Market.”

The partnership is set to commence next week, August 12th, at 9:30pm., at which time representatives from the McFadden’s and Char Bar wait staff will clear the tables from the Char Bar floor and begin making rounds with test tube shots of Baron Herzog merlot. The crowd will break for Ma’ariv, the traditional Jewish evening prayer service at 10:00, after which time the hoards of sweaty bros, Irish chicks, and sweatier Jews will congeal into a bumpin’ mass of intercultural “dialogue.”